Could you be demisexual?

A lovely person invited me to talk about demisexuality as part of my Ask Anna series.

Here I talk about:

✨What demisexuality is

✨How mainstream culture reinforces only a narrow view of sexuality

✨Why it’s good to open up discussion and give platform to more variety

✨How labeling our sexuality can be helpful

✨ My personal challenge to walk my talk and include more sexual variety in my erotic writing.

So, you want to start writing erotica? Here’s a beginner’s guide

I recently asked people to share their questions with me and I’ve been recording short videos as my answers. This week, I answer your questions about getting started with writing your own erotica.

I talk about:

  • How to find the time to write.
  • How to know what to write.
  • How to give yourself full permission to ‘go there’ and to write shamelessly!

Watch the video here:

You can also download my free erotica guidebook here.

And join in my pre-recorded writing workshop here.

You + Me + the Sea

We will need to find an isolated beach. I want absolute privacy and seclusion with you – I’ll share you with the elements, but that is all.

I’ll make a shelter for us for when we want to rest, and I’ll lay a blanket to keep the sand away from our most tender places. But, other than that, I want us to be completely exposed.

I want us to be naked. Totally. Sunglasses and sunscreen if we need them – I care about protection – but otherwise just you and me and the sand and the sea.

I want to caress you: head to toe. In water. On land. The slight breeze stirring the hairs on your skin in preparation for my fingertips – stirring you deeper.

I want to see you. All of you. Open to my gaze, to my admiration, to the pangs of lust that make my cunt clench and my mouth wet simply from looking at you.

I want us to be free. Free to make all the sounds our bodies have been longing to unleash. I want to scream as the waves – literal, not metaphorical – crash on the shore. I want to be able to call out my love for you, naming you as God.

I want the shifting sun and the changing tide to be our only markers of time passing. I have waited so long for this – I know I will savour every moment.

I want to revel in your pleasure when you wade into the water and launch. Your body and your mood made buoyant by the ocean.

I want to taste the salt: the sea, your sweat, perhaps even my tears – after all, relief brings its own emotions.

Finally, finally, finally – just you and me and the sea.

photo by Linus Nyland on Unsplash

Would you like me in your inbox?

The radical act of pleasure

I was thrilled to talk with Lara Waldman – The Abundance Activator – for another of my Intimate Conversations!

I love the way that Lara brings together her 25 years of experience in self-development, transformation, and healing work, to offer a new approach to consciously creating our lives. And I also love that she doesn’t shy away from topics like intimacy, shame, and pleasure.

Her life’s mission is to find a path from pain, suffering, anger and fear towards a life of abundance, freedom, happiness and fulfillment.

(Which is pretty much what walking our desire lines is all about…)

Please join us as we talk about the role of Pleasure in consciously creating a life of abundance!

In this deep-diving conversation, we talk about:

* How giving yourself permission for pleasure is a radical act.

* How pain and shame can be portals to pleasure and creating an abundant life.

* Why other manifesting techniques might not be working for you.

* Connecting with your body as a temple of wisdom.

* And opening up to welcome in pleasure.

You can connect with Lara on her website or on Instagram or Facebook

And you’ll find lots of incredible free healing and meditation videos on her YouTube channel

To find out more about my book, Desire Lines, click here

And please subscribe to my email list to be the first to hear about new writing and videos.

Five things I’ve learned about desire

1. Retaining my desire for desire is what matters to me most.

As long as I can feel my desire for desire, I know I’ll be able to navigate the seas of change.

2. Staying curious and creative allows me to stay open to finding and enjoying new desires.

My desire is not a one-time, set thing. It changes, fluctuates, emerges, hides, even does a 180 at times. Staying open to all of these things – and not trying to cling on to only one, familiar way of relating to my desire – means I get to explore and grow and expand and, ultimately, keep choosing.

3. Arousal and genital feelings are only one part of a much bigger picture.

I can feel my desire as a lust for life, not just lust for another or sex or orgasm. When I channel my desire into my whole life, I realise just how potent and creative this aspect of me is.

4. Self-sufficiency matters.

Yes, being able to share my desire with others matters too, but the only person I can guarantee I’ll have in my life, is me. I am my own lover first, foremost, and always.

5. Pleasure and desire come in many different forms.

When I tune into my whole self and ask “what do you need, what do you want, what will light you up?” I hear my body yearning for a dip in the cold sea, I hear my craving for slow, sensuous touch, and I hear a whisper reminding me that my potential for pleasure is unlimited.

Of course there’s LOTS more to say about Desire! You can read more in my book ‘Desire Lines’.

Image by Chris Barbalis on Unsplash

Find out more behind-the-scenes insights and sharing by joining my community email list (and get a free guide to writing erotica too!)

Growing desire into pleasure

Desire is longing, anticipation, yearning, having and not having.

When I write about desire I often feel it as an ache, an empty space waiting to be filled, a delicious potential.

Pleasure is in the moment, embodied, felt and received.

When I write about pleasure it is in my active voice, it is something I have, something experienced.

I’ve been curious of late about the differences between these two, and the relationship between them. Why I am drawn to write about one more than the other. Why it sometimes feels more comfortable to write about longing than it does fulfilment.

Perhaps it comes down, in part, to owning the fact that – ultimately – I am responsible for my own pleasure. It is something inside of me, not something out there. My pleasure is something to be created rather than found. Yes, I can choose to co-create with a willing and enthusiastic other, but I can’t expect them to bring me my pleasure (like the old TV advert where the man swings through the high-rise window to present his chocolate box offering “all because the lady loves Milk Tray”).

We’re not taught this though. We are taught that desire is a sign of something we are lacking and need to obtain. We’re not taught that desire is a signpost to our inner world.

Desire is the seeds that we plant in our inner landscape. We nurture them. We attend to them. We allow them to grow and, when we are ready, we can enjoy the fruits and flowers of pleasure that harvesting them offers us.

It feels radical to know that my pleasure is already within me, waiting to be harvested.

And what about when I choose to share that pleasure? When I choose to add my fruits and flowers into the garden of another Eden where someone else’s seeds have been nurtured and grown too? We can share our mutual harvests but we need to each bring something to the table: I can’t expect to feast solely on their offerings and neither can I allow them to feast solely on mine.

We co-create our mutual pleasure, grown from the seeds of our individual desires.

Pleasure is embodied. And that means I have to allow myself to feel it. To feel excitement, joy, delight, rapture, and love.

Those are big feelings. Bold feelings. Courageous feelings.

Pleasure is not passive. Pleasure needs to be received, allowed, accepted. Desires can remain dormant until they are given the attention and actions they need to grow, evolve, and – if we choose – be realised.

I’ve been taught how to brush the feelings of want and longing under the carpet, to shift my focus away from them and onto something ‘more  important’. But if I never nurture my desires, how can I allow myself to fully understand and enjoy pleasure?

And pleasure is important! It feeds into my vitality, my wellbeing, and my ability to make my contribution to the world. We all benefit from pleasure. We each remember who we truly are – touch our soul’s magnificence – through pleasure.

Walking my desire lines is my active pursuit of pleasure. But my desire lines are also about more than just pleasure. Walking my desire lines is my path to self-awareness and self-understanding, my path to self-expression. Ultimately, walking my desire lines is my path to embracing more than just the potential for pleasure; I walk to step into pleasure, bringing the whole of me on the journey – body, mind, and soul.

Read more about walking our desire lines (click) here.

And please join my mailing list to find out more…

PleasurePractices #4: Garden of delights

These PleasurePractices are a record of my explorations with medibation — masturbation as meditation. Exploring self-touch and self-pleasure from new angles.

Not so much a ‘how-to’ but more a series of ‘what-ifs’. I share these openly along with an invitation for you to explore your own what-ifs:

What might you like to give to yourself, and to receive? What might you try that you’ve never tried before? What pleasure might you create? And what else might you discover?

One of my long-held fantasies centres on having a private, outdoor space where I can be naked and commune with the elements.

I want to stand in a rainstorm and feel the water drenching my hair and skin, running down my back, and wetting my lips. I want to press my torso against the rugged bark of a broad tree, my arms wrapped around it in an embrace. I want to feel my body as the part of nature it truly is, no clothes coming between us, just the air and the breeze to let me know where I stop and she starts.

My pleasure practice today was all about giving myself that gift.

It wasn’t the perfect and ideal vision I have been holding but it was what my body was calling for.

I walked into the garden barefoot and in a robe. The cool air caressed my skin as I undressed completely and just stood for a moment, feeling the ground – warmer than I expected – underneath my soles. I lay down and let the overgrown grass enfold me, feeling the Earth’s heartbeat gradually slowing my own.

When I’d had my fill, I went back indoors to continue this exploration of pleasure, lying on the carpet in a patch of sunlight, my body alive and awakened and ready for my touch.

My name is Anna Sansom and I’m endlessly curious about how we each explore and enjoy our unique sexual selves. I write about my own experiences and I write erotic fiction, all with the aim of giving us language and ideas so we can make our own journeys – walk our own desire lines – to our fullest, truest selves.

This blog is like looking in my open window.

You can come inside by signing up here.

I’ll put on the kettle and make us a cuppa to enjoy while we chat (and I’ll send you a free book for afterwards too).

PleasurePractices #3: Passion

These PleasurePractices are a record of my explorations with medibation — masturbation as meditation. Exploring self-touch and self-pleasure from new angles.

Not so much a ‘how-to’ but more a series of ‘what-ifs’. I share these openly along with an invitation for you to explore your own what-ifs:

What might you like to give to yourself, and to receive? What might you try that you’ve never tried before? What pleasure might you create? And what else might you discover?

Have you ever had a lover reach for you and touch you with such passion it takes your breath away? Do you know that feeling just before their hands make contact with your skin and you can almost feel your body leaping to meet their embrace, to close the gap between the two of you, so you can be fully connected with them?

It’s an incredible feeling. Lust and desire and passion all rolled into one.

Now, how would it feel to touch yourself in the same way?

That’s the question I had for my latest Pleasure Practice exploration:

How would it be to touch myself with passion and want?

Touching my whole body with hungering hands. Not just my genitals and breasts but my thighs, my stomach, my neck, my hair, my lips…

Melding my want with my attention. The surprised delight of a feather-light caress flowing over sensitive skin, anticipated desire for what I know will follow…  

Grabbing handfuls of me and delighting in the textures and sensations. My hands registering the fullness of my flesh; my body surrendering to the touch…

Moving and making sounds in response. Not for anyone else to see or hear, just for me and myself as lover

Stoking the fire and building the heat until I roar and come and am spent.

Please sign up to my mailing list to get my latest writing delivered straight to your inbox [CLICK HERE]

And you will get instant access to my FREE guidebook to help you write your own erotica too!

PleasurePractices #2: Magical, powerful, intentional

These PleasurePractices are a record of my explorations with medibation — masturbation as meditation. Exploring self-touch and self-pleasure from new angles.

Not so much a ‘how-to’ but more a series of ‘what-ifs’. I share these openly along with an invitation for you to explore your own what-ifs:

What might you like to give to yourself, and to receive? What might you try that you’ve never tried before? What pleasure might you create? And what else might you discover?

I want to call in my magic.

I want to call in my power.

I offer myself to something greater – it is time to fully claim my soul’s magnificence.

I bind my breasts together to make them stand proud and to bring my nipples close enough that I can touch them both at the same time: the flat of my palm grazing them and sending instant requests to my cunt.

I massage lube over and inside me. Firm strokes. Awakening, enlivening strokes.

My palm brings my nipples to stiff attention. My fingers enter me, preparing the pathway for deep magic.

Now, it begins.

With fingers of one hand, I begin to circle my clit. My other hand moves to my face and an anointed finger matches the rhythm below as it draws circles on my brow, over my third eye chakra.

I am bringing my vision to life.

Calling in my power.

Stoking my desires with my sexual energy.

Potent. Powerful. Purposeful.

I am strong.

I am feeding my hunger so it can roar from a place of having rather than lacking.

I am my own power – my own pleasure.

I am magical and magnificent.

I welcome it all: the colours, the sounds, the sensations.

I take it all.

And – from that place – I create.


Do you want to explore more? Sue Sutherland of The Feel Institute is offering a 3-part, online course during March 2021, for people with a vulva: Self-touch, vulvae, and sex toys. (click the link for more info and to book)

I am assisting as part of Sue’s Crew and would love to see you there!


PleasurePractices #1: Slow, slow, sensuous, slow

These PleasurePractices are a record of my explorations with medibation — masturbation as meditation. Exploring self-touch and self-pleasure from new angles.

Not so much a ‘how-to’ but more a series of ‘what-ifs’. I share these openly along with an invitation for you to explore your own what-ifs:

What might you like to give to yourself, and to receive? What might you try that you’ve never tried before? What pleasure might you create? And what else might you discover?

Just me, some lube, a bed, and time. Touching myself gently and reverentially. Stroking, soothing, relaxing my body and my emotions. Creating safety, and landing into this sacred space. Away from all the external noise and demands. Just me, some lube, a bed, and time.

I let my slickened fingers stroke my vulva. Exploring the shapes and textures. Slowly. Sensuously. Unhurried.

Mmmm…how does it feel when I touch myself there? And like this?

Ah, yes. Oh, that feels good. Again, please.

No goal. Not in pursuit of anything at all. Just touching to experience pleasure in the moment.

My cunt is a sacred site. I am worshipping her with my touch and my attention.

Slowly. Sensuously.

Exploring how she wants to be touched. What she wants to receive. Building my pleasure, stroke by stroke. No tension. Just relaxed receiving.

I gift this to myself. This unhurried luxury of time, touch, and tenderness.

What happens if I keep it slow? Where usually I would want to speed up and tense up and get myself off – what happens if I do it differently?

What happens if I devote myself to this worship?

What happens if I don’t try to hurry it?

What happens if I just keep giving myself more and more moments of pleasure? And if I give myself full permission to receive it all.

The pleasure builds. I expand. My body moves and I utter sounds.

I am making love: deep, worshipful, reverential, self-honouring love.

Slow, slow, sensuous, slow.

I allow it to engulf me and carry me. All this pleasure.

A deep, heart-inclusive orgasm. I am awash with love and receive it fully.

“So beautiful,” I whisper, in awe.


Do you want to explore more? Sue Sutherland of The Feel Institute is offering a 3-part, online course during March 2021, for people with a vulva: Self-touch, vulvae, and sex toys. (click the link for more info and to book)

I am assisting as part of Sue’s Crew and would love to see you there!